Looking back on my life, I can only refer to much of that time as my
‘Accidental Reality’. Being the student of human nature that I am, I also
see this phenomenon of living life like an accidental series of random
events as a common fact of life for most people.
I used to view myself as a body and brain with emotion. My life was a map
given to me with a rough draft of laws and probable outcomes.
Knowledge was based on tried or perceived formulas handed down from
generation to generation. Although these laws had some flexibility
indexed into them, the main format was standard for people within my
timeframe and culture.
A quick and simplified explanation of what life should be was this:
Stay safe and protect the body from injury or death. Maintain the body in
good working order, feed it and provide it with shelter.
Gain an education. This for the most part was based on learning what
everyone else knew. Sourcing information from the past and learning to
argue logically with known facts.
Follow social etiquettes. Comparing yourself with and being like everyone
else was very necessary, as it validated you as a normal, trustworthy and
dependable member of your society.
Follow the Ten Commandments or a similar code of ethics.
Work for a living and maintain financial independence for yourself and
Find a mate, set up house together and procreate.
Be a good person and as much as possible avoid bad things.
This blueprint works very well for most people and of course we are very
comfortable with it most of the time. It’s not set in concrete and can be
varied, but considering that most of us have it deeply instilled very early
in life we rarely, if ever, challenge it.
With all these factors in place, we happily drift along and feel somewhat
content and comfortable with our lives. We actively strive to maintain this
equilibrium and coast along without too much thought throughout our
Earlier, I referred to my accidental reality. The accidental part is the
occurrence of something unexpected jumping into our reality and
demanding an instant alertness or sudden change. It may be referred to
as a ‘Wake-up Call’ or an ‘Ah-Ha’ moment. It may be good or bad,
sometimes huge and sometimes subtle. It is when something unexpected
comes along and pulls us out of our comfort zone and either changes our
lives or us.
In our blueprint life, we simply follow a formula and expect a predictable
outcome. Ah-Ha moments throw us completely off course and can often
change us forever. They require new questions, different methods and
alertness. The biggest and best Ah-Ha moments will ultimately lead to
Who am I?
Am I happy?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
What is life, God, love and death?
A big Ah-Ha moment may be the death of someone close, divorce, losing
a job or a major illness or accident. In some cases it may be as simple as
meeting a stranger and just one little sentence throwing a switch in your
head, or it can also be something great like falling in love.
There are countless Ah-Ha moments during our lives and they take us off
our blueprint life and change us forever. When these things happen we
become aware that we are unprepared and quite uncomfortable with
change. Even when good things throw us, we still get a sense of
We are so unprepared for change and so addicted to comfort, that it’s
vitally important to consider this if you are serious about transforming,
improving or reinventing your life. We like to believe that we consciously
improve our lives by making intelligent decisions, and often this is true,
but more often our lives change dramatically by accident.
Dramatic change brings up fear, resistance, struggle and sometimes
pain. Even when we are forced into change we somehow cling to the idea
that another comfort zone will be created, and we can fall back into our
cruising and predictable existence again. We all want to believe that the
blueprint life is real and stable.
What if the blueprint life was nothing more than a basis to build a real life
upon. What could your potential life be if you embraced or actively
pursued change. What if you had a choice each day in which you
decided who you wished to be and what you wanted to achieve or
Could fear of change be the cause of each of us limiting our true
potential. Isn’t it true that without the accidents most of us would be so
much less than we are today.
When I used to live my accidental life, I did quite well, and for anyone
looking in, I guess I would have looked like I was doing pretty well.
I mentioned that I considered myself to be a physical body, brain and an
emotional being. Much of my awareness of myself was based on
comparison with others and my general well-being.
I maintained my body and gave very little thought to it unless it was hurt,
ill or tired. I guess I compared how I looked with other people and thought
I was acceptable.
My brain seemed to be able to think O.K. and I didn’t really give it very
much thought. I never felt overly neurotic or psychotic or anything and
very rarely got depressed. Emotionally I also tended to coast along with
manageable ranges of mood swings. I was always rather optimistic and
generally happy and suffered appropriate grief according to events.
Well, I guess that was me, when I used to be normal.
Looking back now, and getting pretty honest with myself, I can see
something else, something that I didn’t look at or want to know about.
Occasionally, I would find myself questioning myself about a sense of
Sometimes discontent seemed to linger for an awfully long time and I
guess I found it necessary to develop a talent for denial. If I had suffered
panic attacks or extreme depression, I would probably have paid more
attention. But, discontent is easy to swallow and suck down or sit on.
In hindsight, I can also remember a sense of not liking my body, a sense
of shame, suppressed sexuality, a general disrespect as well as a sense
of being disconnected from it. Sometimes I felt fat, sometimes I felt ugly
and sometimes I actually felt self-hatred for my body.
At the time, I didn’t explore these feelings, they were simply secret
loathings that I carried with me and also sucked down and denied.
Most of the time, I respected my intelligence and didn’t give much thought
to the workings of my brain. I mastered the art of sounding like I knew
something about something. I was always pretty practical and logical and
could ‘Wing It’ in most conversations by asking questions rather than
stating facts that I did not know. Again, though, on a deeper level and
only in retrospect, I can also see that I was in fact pretty unsure of myself
intellectually and could have easily believed I was of under average
intelligence. That is, if I had questioned it, but of course I never did.
I could have gotten through life on this level and possibly done O.K. I don’
t think I would have had a nervous break down or taken up any harmful
addictions. I would probably not have become violent or suicidal. Frankly,
I would probably have just been like most people are today - reasonably
dysfunctional in a rather manageable way, with a deep feeling of
discontent, disappointment and confusion, functioning for all intent and
purpose as a normal average person.
Sometimes, I would have long and serious private conversations with
myself, and I’d ask things like, “What the hell is all this about?” Or
perhaps “What am I doing, where did I come from and where am I going?”
Or the big question “Is that all there is?”
The biggest questions were always about love, God and death. These
three would fascinate me and scare me. Sometimes I played with them
and amused myself, but usually I just shut them down when they floated
Love confused me and I didn’t really know what it was. My experiences
with love ranged from euphoria, lust, softness and power to obsession,
desperation, betrayal and fear.
God seemed like a good guy, interested in peace, healing and love to
some terrifying, angry, vengeful person, who was going to let me burn in
hell forever and ever if I displeased him.
Death of course is the most confusing, as we have no real similarities to
compare it with. We know we don’t want it and that the whole purpose of
life is to avoid it. There are two kinds of death and the one to avoid is the
premature one, like accidents, disease and illness. We actively try to
prevent these from happening and usually prefer the old age variety.
Strange, really, when you consider this involves years of slowly
decomposing until we simply expire.
The best way to deal with thoughts of death, is to not have the thought at
all. We learn to not think about death by holding it down within us and
never entertaining it. On an unconscious level we do in fact think about it
a lot. Self-preservation is our strongest instinct, and of course that is
because we are, in fact, aware that we are going to die.
My first recollection of viewing myself as anything other than physical,
intellectual and emotional, was a chance meeting with a stranger in a bar
one Friday afternoon. A very big but ever so subtle Ah-Ha moment that I
didn’t fully appreciate until many years later.
We were both waiting at the bar for friends who didn’t show. (As co-
incidences happen.) We started up a polite conversation, which led to
the predictable question of, “What do you do?”
He was an Astro-Physicist. I had never heard of such a thing and had
absolutely no knowledge of physics at all. He didn’t seem too concerned
with my ignorance and tried to give me a simplified explanation of
physics. Well, this guy was ‘Blowing my mind’ trying to explain to me that
all form and matter was energy: atoms, molecules, cells and magnetic
fields. I secretly questioned if he was some kind of ‘Nutter’ or a genius
speaking in a foreign language. Honesty, I comprehended almost nothing
of what he told me. In trying to grasp something of this concept’ I asked
him, “Are you telling me that I am a mass of dots vibrating at a rate or
frequency at which I become matter?”
“Well, eh, sort of, yes.”
“Well you just said that the table, chairs, glasses and everything in here
is energy, masses of atoms and some form of electricity. Atoms, you
mentioned, are like minute little dots, so, my understanding is that I must
be made of billions or trillions of little dots all held together in an electrical
I’m sure he was not the least bit convinced that I understood anything of
what he was trying to tell me. I was ignorant and he was being kind and
indulging me. To this day, I still know almost as little about physics as I
did that day, however, the thought of all form and matter being a force of
energy really clicked into my brain and I pondered it often.
Over the years, this concept played in and out of much of my thinking,
learning and conversations. Interwoven within all this, were many
occasions in which I actually experienced and accepted that my body,
thoughts and feelings were indeed sources of energy.
The world and everything within it and outside of it were also energy.
Actions, events and even spirituality I now understood to be energy.
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Copyright Sonya Green
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