A Message to Men
Women do not wish to compete with you; we know you can finish first,
rushing us makes us anxious and anxiety destroys passion. Women can
still perform after orgasm and in some cases continue into a second
orgasm. Men lose their erection after they climax and can no longer
perform, therefore it is ‘Good Manners’ to allow the lady to go first.
Women take longer to arouse and it might be worth thinking of it like this -
Horniness makes its way from a man’s balls to the tip of his penis, whereas
a woman’s horniness starts in her heart and has much further to travel to
get to her clitoris. If you wish to arrive at an orgasm around the same time,
then you will need to let the lady have a head start (no pun intended).
Women will very rarely respond to hard, fast, rushed foreplay. Think of
them as very shy, timid creatures that get spooked very easily. Foreplay
should be slow, gentle and relaxed. This allows a woman to trust, tune-in
and respond. Without this you are leaving her in a self –protection or
Women receive sex. In effect you are requesting that someone take you
into the very centre of themselves. There is a certain vulnerability involved
in doing this and a considerate lover will appreciate that ‘Tossing himself in’
is very insensitive.
It may also be worth noting that a man gives and the woman receives in
orgasm. Most men will experience exhaustion and most women will feel
energized after sex. As many women feel used or dismissed when a man
turns away and falls into a deep sleep, it might be worth understanding that
he is not ignoring you at all. It is true; he may not want to talk and may not
want to snuggle up. Don’t take it personally.
Women will be very accommodating to many sexual variations, if, and
when, she has established a loving and trusting foundation to build upon.
Without this being in place first, the ‘Wham- bam- thank- you- ma’am’, or
the ‘Gymnastic Wonder Boy’ may have a very short life span as a long-
term sexual partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with lazy, selfish,
perfunctory sex and sometimes a quickie is all anyone is interested in.
There are times when experimental, playful and dirty sex is also enjoyable.
Variety really is a good thing and all of this can work well within a
relationship. The problem is, that too often and for too long, we respond to
sex with indifference, and over time we become disconnected from our
lovers. When that disconnection goes un-addressed, the relationship
breaks down and self-preservation steps in. When a woman feels she is
being serviced or is servicing a man, she will close down her heart, and in
doing so, she shuts off her sexuality.
The most important Erogenous Zone.
Foreplay actually starts in the mind and in many ways the mind is more
important than touch or technique. To begin with, the mind decides
whether you are even worthy of being a lover. The mind assesses your
attractiveness and has the first and final say in your being selected as a
mate. As trust is such a vital ingredient, you may consider the mind your
judge and jury. The most important role of the mind is to focus attention, as
good sex is impossible if the mind is not present. Tuning into your lover is
where empathy becomes established. Empathy is the ability to feel and
sense your lover’s responses, and ultimately to connect physically,
emotionally and spiritually with your lover. When this degree of connection
is established, sex stops being interpreted as two bodies and instead
becomes one body or at least one energy form. When sex includes love,
empathy, connection and trust, we will experience ecstasy as well as
orgasm. When two people achieve this, they will know what is meant by
Some people may have innately known that this was available while others
may have almost touched it or glimpsed it. Somewhere within our inner
wisdom we do know that sexual energy is similar to, or the same as,
spiritual energy. Orgasm is probably as close as we get to experiencing
ourselves as greater than mind, emotion and body. For just a second or
two during orgasm, we feel that we have disappeared into the Universe and
become “Blissed Out”.
This state of ecstasy is all about energy. Call it sexual energy or spiritual
energy, it doesn’t matter. We all have the ability to get there, and deep
within us we long to get there. Many people have taken themselves all the
way, but quite often fear steps in and most people will hold back and lose
Ecstasy is often experienced spontaneously when people are very deeply
in love. When people are really in love, they intuitively long to enter each
other, they tend to breathe in their lover and open their hearts in a
desperate attempt to draw the very essence of their lover into themselves.
This degree of love knows no fear and holds no barriers, so you might
consider the soul of each one actively seeking to merge into each other.
When sex is an expression of love, and love is exchanged at this level, that
merging does take place and the ecstasy of spirituality is experienced.
For thousands of years many cultures have practised Tantra. In recent
years, the Western World has become fascinated with this practise.
Although Tantra is more commonly thought of as a spiritual discipline,
practised by enlightened Eastern Masters, many of its components are
being modified and, practised to bring about sexual fulfilment, or more
precisely, sexual and spiritual ecstasy. Tantra means to open, expand,
manifest, weave or merge. In its truest sense, it was practised to allow
sexual energy (which is our base energy) to expand through our energy
centres (Chakra's) and bring about enlightenment (true spiritual
Orgasm takes us close to spiritual ecstasy. Ecstasy is a full body orgasm,
and includes the mind and emotions but more importantly it includes the
This kind of lovemaking has some basic principles, and although many may
be modified or varied, I will explain the most vital considerations.
The magic is in the dance
Orgasm is the last thing you focus on. In fact, the longer orgasm is
delayed, the stronger the orgasm is. Ecstasy comes from building up the
energy then letting it rest and then building it up again. You need to be
building waves of pleasure, and the secret is to take yourself and your
partner almost there and then pull back. It’s about teasing, seducing and
maintaining the wanting.
The mind must be fully present, watching, sensing and responding. The
mind loves slow motion and slow, soft, gentle strokes allow the mind to take
everything in through all of the senses. The slowness also allows a greater
trust to be established and allows attention to be within your own body as
well as in tune with your lover’s body.
This level of lovemaking can be compared to a Maestro leading an
orchestra. We expect the big crescendo and the huge finish, but we don’t
want all of that straight up. We want the bow of the violin to be played
slowly, deliberately and expertly; we want the subtly to be so exquisite that
we stop breathing, as we hungrily drink in the sound and allow that sound
to fill our souls. We want the maestro to bring in the other instruments so
expertly that we don’t know when they start; they just somehow manage to
entwine themselves into the music, slowly and steadily building, seamless
and fluid. This is how lovemaking should be if you wish to achieve ecstasy.
Foreplay is everything here and, in fact, foreplay starts long before you
even reach the bedroom. In the early stages of a relationship, when
couples are deeply in love, they talk to each other in a loving, caring and
interested way. They connect and listen, gaze into each other’s eyes and,
of course, they are totally present in their attention. They could be talking
about anything or nothing in particular, but what is really happening, is that
they are connecting. This is when the mind starts generating desire and
interest. The imagination creates its fantasies. You look at the lover’s
hands and imagine being touched by those hands. You watch your lover
speaking and find yourself turned on by the sound of his voice and you
wonder when that mouth will be on yours. Throughout the day, you think
about those kisses, close your eyes and imagine being kissed. You think
about how he has touched you before and recall through your senses
those memories. When you are in a restaurant, you find yourself
unconsciously, but sensually, touching your wine glass or running your
fingers through your hair. Your body language is speaking loudly and it’s
saying, “I want you”.
I have heard men complain, “When we first started dating, she couldn’t get
enough of me. She would tear off her clothes before she reached the door
and was begging for it before I undid my belt”. Now, she’s always too tired
or she wants half an hour of foreplay. The truth of this is, that you probably
didn’t realize that the foreplay lasted for days when you first started dating.
Perhaps, when she drives home from work these days, her fantasies are
about washing your socks and cleaning the bathroom. Someone once said
foreplay begins with “his doing the dishes”. This is really not quite as
cynical as it sounds, and a wise man will realize that turning a woman on is
about where her thoughts are before you reach the bedroom.
Getting back to the dating days, we also acknowledge that we created
beautiful atmospheres prior to initiating sex, we spent time talking, relaxing
and tuning in. Often, we drank wine, flirted, lit candles and dressed
provocatively. Initially, we loved to touch each other in caring, gentle ways,
holding hands, gently pushing back a strand of hair or touching each other
for no particular reason. We shared small kisses to say hello and good-
bye; there were thank you kisses and casual touches, smiles and secret
looks as well as a steady gaze that simply said I am memorizing your face
for later. Too often these things are disregarded within long-term
relationships, and once again we are getting into short cuts. We do live at
an accelerated pace these days and we want everything to be fast and
hassle free, but are we treating our love lives like a fast food outlet?
For such a long time now we have been physically and materially focused.
We have relied heavily on shopping and entertainment as our means to
happiness and we have even used each other as disposable conquests.
In recent years many people have been turning their attention to Eastern
practises and philosophies in search of deeper meaning. We appear to be
discontent and disconnected in many ways and there has been a huge
shift in attitudes about our sense of self and our place in the world. We
sense on a deep level that something is wrong-something is missing, and
yet there is a strong belief that the answers may well lie within us.
For many people, Tantra techniques are being explored and gaining
enormous attention and popularity. Tantra techniques are being modified
and practised for bringing deeper, richer and more profound sexual
experiences. In this context Tantra is being used to bring us into a deep
and loving connection with our partner and taking us into ecstatic, blissful
orgasms. This level of connection brings lovers into such a profound
degree of unity that a bond is created and that bond will take the lovers
into a new and true definition of marriage. I refer to this as ‘Soul Marriage’.
No papers, rules, agendas, conditions or egos – Soul Marriage is the
merging of mind, body and soul.
Although I refer to Tantra techniques, I am also aware that they really only
point out what people deeply in love knew and experienced intuitively and
spontaneously. When people are deeply in love, they maintain their
connection with their lover outside the bedroom and play loving and caring
thoughts through their minds throughout the day. Lovers speak gently to
each other, they pay more attention to how they look and feel, they create
nice environments and share many ordinary tasks in a playful, special way.
All of this is foreplay and most of this is what goes missing in stale
relationships. New lovers touch each other as a gesture of affection and
without needing it to be sexual. Being loving is about consideration,
connection and respect.
Being loving is about wanting to please the other person as much as
Click the Next button to go to part 3
|How to seduce a woman
What pleases a woman in bed
Sex as a loving expression
(Part 2 of 4)
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