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| Incest Innocence Lost and the Theft of Childhood. Post Traumatic Stress disorder Revenge is sweetest when we take back our ability to love and to be loved. |
| Heal your Heart - Love your Body - Live your Joy! Simply Stunning! A beautiful and profound experience 3 guided meditations on one CD. Access higher wisdom, intuition and insights. Change habits, release fears and activate healing energies. Buy Now Full description. Read what others say Sound samples and instant downloads *Track 3 is highly recommended as a powerful and easy way to release childhood traumas. |
Society has come a long way in the past few decades in its openness and understanding of sex and sexuality.
Sometimes it seems like we are constantly talking about it, marketing it, analysing, experimenting,
exaggerating, belittling, pursuing and practising it. Gosh, we are obsessed by it and yet, still so very confused
by it.
Sex can be an act of deep love or an act of violence. It can be a spiritual connection or a sport, it can be a
notch on a belt or a stress buster, it can be a bargaining tool and it can be bought or sold. It can be dirty or
sinful or a great joy, a normal natural animal instinct and a healthy thrilling bodily function. Men and woman
can be aroused by entirely different stimulations. Some people need a lot of sex and others rarely want it.
Some people have orgasms quickly, others take much longer and others don’t have them at all.
Sex may be perverted, dangerous, sick and revolting. Many sex acts are illegal, immoral and taboo. In some
cases this is cultural or just subjective. I’m not about to condemn or preach morality on sex, but I will make
one point that I think should be mandatory: Sex requires consent from all participants. Sex taken without
consent is rape and rape is theft.
Rape-theft is like ‘the taking of a person’s essence’. It can be the theft of personal space, independence,
security, self-esteem, dignity, freedom and innocence. In some cases, rape will diminish or retard a person’s
ability to love or to trust. Rape is not just a sex-crime, it is an act of violence which damages another persons
mind, body and soul. It is the ultimate act of violence.
Pre-Pubescence and Adolescence
I wonder how any of us came through adolescence alive or sane. Our bodies were doing the most bizarre
things: growing breasts, bleeding, getting hard ons, breaking voices and sprouting hairs. Hormones had us
laughing like maniacs and then sobbing uncontrollably for no reason at all. The boys wanted to fight and the
girls wanted to kiss.
It was embarrassing, too. Insensitive parents would ask to look under our arms to see if we had any hairs.
They would comment on your ‘little rose buds’ under your tee shirt. We would hear ourselves referred to as
‘jail bait’ and overhear uncles tell our parents that it was, ‘time to lock up their daughters’.The boys took to
carrying their bags in front of their privates and dreaded the vibrating motion of the bus. Boys also began
referring to having ‘a stiffy.’
By the time I reached High School, most of the boys I had known my entire childhood became completely
different creatures. They looked and acted differently and their attitude to me and the other girls changed
dramatically. They had become stalkers, hunting alone or in packs. “Show us ya tits!” one would call out
and the rest would laugh. “Want a root?” or “How ‘bout a finger?” Sometimes we’d be offered lunch money
to have a look at or touch a stiffy.
The boys would brag about how much sex they were getting and who was easy. Girls lived in dread of being
named a ‘go-er’. Nothing destroyed a girl’s reputation or caused more shame than being referred to as a
slut, mole, rooter, gang-banger or town- bike. Truth had nothing to do with it at all. Sex had all kinds of
names like a naughty, a poke, sink the sausage, a root or screw. Genitals became willies, rogers, mo-joes,
joysticks, pussy, boxes and tunnels of love.
It seemed to me there were two very distinct differences. The boys wanted sex and the girls wanted romance.
Getting laid was a ‘badge of honour’ for the boys. ‘Doing it’ made a boy cool. If he did it with many girls he
was even cooler. No boy over the age of fourteen would ever admit to being a virgin, so most were forced
into becoming creative and convincing liars. For many this habit continued throughout adulthood!
The confusing thing for the girls was that they were beating the boys off with a stick most of the time and
trying desperately to keep their virginity. Our hymen was also known as a cherry. According to our mothers
it was a highly valued asset in husband finding and the symbol of being a ‘good girl’.
The rest of the time the girls were desperately trying to attract and catch a boyfriend. Having a steady
boyfriend, especially if he gave you a ‘friendship ring’ was the ultimate status symbol of being cool if you
were a girl.
Boys began to fantasise about sex and became obsessive masturbators. Girls began to daydream about
romance and to this day we don’t really know if they masturbated or not. Boys who didn’t have sex bragged
that they did and girls who did have sex denied that they did.
Girls daydreamed about having pop stars for boyfriends or made up stories about a much older boyfriend,
someone more mature – like eighteen, who had left school, had a job and usually owned a motor bike or
perhaps a car. Girls imagined that every song on the radio was written for them and of course they starred in
all the movies. Girls wanted to be pop-stars, actresses, princesses or models. Boys still just wanted to get
laid.
Being beautiful, being cool or being wanted is everything when you are young. Being thought of as sexy can
make a young girl think she is all of that, yet to many boys it just means, ‘You want a bit!’ Girls soon learned
that a certain look, a toss of the hair, a smile or an outright act of flirtation can be a powerful thing. It is a
powerful, natural and innocent phase of development.
It’s at about this age that girls find out they can also manipulate their fathers and uncles. Looking good and
being ‘The sweet thing,’ wins you admiration, attention, advantages and sometimes gifts. Girls will flirt with
their fathers, uncles and friends of their brother. This is natural. It’s a normal healthy phase that children pass
through on their way into adulthood. Every girl deserves the right to pass through this stage with support and
acceptance. Being pretty, being cool, being sexy and flirting are as natural and necessary to their
development as are physical changes.
Throughout nature we have males and females. In all of the species one attracts the other. It is simply ‘The
nature of the beast’. It is only in the human world that this behaviour is misconstrued or condemned.
No wonder so many adults are sexually dysfunctional, confused and uncomfortable with their sexuality. Too
few of us were allowed to explore or grow through our sexuality with support or safety.
Being young, pretty, flirtatious and sexy is only part of it. I mention of it here, as too often, rape and incest
victims blame themselves for being violated. They often get the message that “They asked for it.”
If you did not say out loud, “Rape Me!” then you did not ask for it!
As adults, we may be reasonably confused about sex and sexuality but we should know that we have a
responsibility to protect our young. A flirtatious and attractive child is entitled to believe that adults are not
their predators. It’s time that we stopped blaming victims and addressed the real issues here. Children should
not be expected to make adult decisions. We must not expect children to have the maturity, experience or
wisdom of an adult. Adults need to be the adults. We, as a society, need to stop blaming the victims so that
the victims will stop blaming themselves.
Rape and incest are not about attractiveness or sexuality. They are acts of violence against an innocent
people. The decision, the action and the blame are entirely on the predator.
Rapists target innocent and defenceless people. Children, old ladies, men, boys and even animals can be the
victims of a sexual crime. A rapist may be a complete stranger. The act of rape can be cruel and down right
barbaric. Victims can be severely and permanently injured and even murdered.
Rape and incest are not always physically violent. The predator may be a family member, a friend or a
trusted and respected member of society. The act itself may also be quite gentle or seem unintentional. He
pretends to be caring, kind and loving. It is within this realm that the insidious and long-term effects are
sometimes blurred and confused. Often, in this situation, the victim absorbs all of the blame, guilt and shame.
The psychology is really confusing, as hate, revulsion and self-disgust get mixed in with feelings of love,
excitement and response.
This kind of rape is rarely spoken about and indeed quite often not even considered to be rape. It very
definitely is, it is mind and emotional rape. No blood and no bruising - just guilt, shame and loss of innocence.
Incest usually falls into this category. Many people think of incest as a big bad stepfather coming home drunk
and violently forcing himself on a child. This is not always the case. Incest is often loving, sexually pleasurable
and exciting to the child. The adult will often reward the child with gifts and treat them as very special.
The human body is designed to respond to sexual stimulation. A rape or incest victim may find that they are
physically aroused and responsive, yet their mind is screaming “No!” They want it to stop; they are filled with
fear and a deep sense of something being wrong. At the same, time they may also feel loved by and trust the
rapist. They feel desirable and attractive and often enjoy the sex and excitement.
This is profoundly confusing to a child and may manifest itself in all kinds of confused emotions and
behaviours in later life. The lines between love and hate, and pain and pleasure can become quite blurred.
Sometimes victims become rapists themselves. Girls may become women who are drawn to violence and
humiliation in their adult relationships. Sometimes these children become prostitutes or religious fanatics.
Many may subconsciously provoke violent behaviour as they only feel truly loved by making up after being
abused. Many women living with domestic violence were incest victims. They may not attracted to ‘nice
guys’ and subconsciously seek out dangerous or unstable men. Many of these men are, of course, incest
victims as well.
I was recently discussing this with a friend of mine and mentioned the arousal and lubrication some women
experienced in some rape cases. My point was that the mind is screaming out ‘No’, yet the body appears to
betray the mind by becoming aroused. Psychologically, this is hard to grasp as the victim somehow feels that
she may have encouraged or enjoyed it. The victim is ashamed to think that their body was saying yes and
they feel betrayed by their own bodies. My friend pointed out that this is not ‘arousal’ but the body’s ability
to protect itself from harm. Like adrenaline surging through our body when we are under threat, a woman’s
vagina prepares itself when under threat by becoming moist to protect itself.
The deeper, longer lasting effects of this crime are the psychological and emotional ones. Being violated in
this way robs the victim of personal power, safety, self-esteem, sexuality, freedom and trust.
The soul of a person longs to love and experience joy. We long to trust and believe. We need to be admired
and respected. Being controlled, manipulated or violated robs us of all of these things. To have our ability to
love or to be loved taken from us is, above all else, the greatest act of violence and the most unforgivable.
No one deserves to be violated. We all deserve to feel safe and protected and we all deserve the right to
grow and evolve into happy, healthy adults. Our homes should be the one place where we can feel safe. Our
parents should be the people whom we trust and depend upon to keep us safe. Our physical, emotional and
psychological make up depends on it.
This is not yours to carry
It is most important to recognise that a sense of shame or guilt may have been thrust upon you by the wanton
act of another person. Carrying that sense with you for life is a choice that you make. A young victim of
incest or rape is robbed of a very important part of their childhood. They will never get back the sense of
security that they lost, but it is important to remind yourself that, “This is not yours to carry”. Feeling
responsible, holding onto guilt or anger and feelings of shame are ‘poisons left within you’. They do not
belong within you. Your freedom depends on your leaving those feelings at the original source.
We often hear that we must forgive in order to recover. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance in any way.
Forgiveness is the ability to let go of the ‘poisons left within you’ by the actions of another, then embracing
yourself for who you truly are. Forgiveness is removing those who harmed you and their actions completely
from your picture of your life.
Personally, I believe that revenge is sweet. Revenge is taking control of your life and replacing what has been
taken away from you with bigger, better and brighter feelings of self-esteem, trust and self-worth.
Revenge is letting responsibility lie with the abuser and not carrying it with you.
Revenge is sweetest when we take back our ability to love and to be loved.
A diamond must shine. A diamond has every right to be Unique, Beautiful and Valuable.
Copyright Sonya Green
| Heal Your Heart, Love your Body and Live your Joy! Now available in paperback. Click the book cover to find out more. Paypal secure payment. |
Diamonds mesmerise me, especially when they are on display under lights.
They look like ice radiating rainbows. That dancing spectrum of colour
makes me think of magical things. Even though diamonds are flawed they are
still considered the most precious of all stones and the most valuable. When
you consider the beauty, the uniqueness and the value of diamonds it seems
appropriate that they would be used as symbols of love.
A burglar on the other hand sees none of that when he is robbing a jewellery
shop. A burglar’s perception of diamonds is that they are valuable and easy
to take. A burglar is only concerned with getting what he wants and getting
away with it.
My question is this: If a jewellery shop is robbed who is ‘The Bad Guy?’
The shop owner? Should he have predicted the robbery?
The diamond? Should a diamond dim its lights and de-value itself as a
protection mechanism?
The burglar? Does a burglar know that he has no right to steal the diamonds?
It may seem obvious that the burglar is the bad guy. Of course he knew what
he was doing. He had weighed the benefits of his crime against the risks, it is
only his decision that carries any responsibility.
The shop owner may have regrets about his failure to take stronger measures
to protect his valuable diamonds. However, the robbery is not the shop
owner’s fault and his regrets are pointless. The shop owner could have
protected the diamond by locking it up and never letting anyone know it
existed.
It is totally ridiculous to blame the diamond for the robbery. A diamond must
shine and a diamond has every right to be beautiful and valuable. The
diamond might as well have turned itself back into coal.
I am using this analogy and these questions as a comparison to issues of
incest and rape.
The single most devastating aspect of rape or incest is that the victims will
often blame themselves or wonder if they were in someway responsible.
Victims are often asked whether they encouraged their assailant. Did they
have proper security and locks in their home? Did they dress provocatively?
Did they say or do anything to suggest that they wanted sex? Were they
flirting or leading him on? Did they say ‘No’ or scream or fight back?
These questions spin around and around in the minds of the victims and
sometimes these questions continue for a lifetime. Consciously and logically
the victims know that they were in no way responsible, but the questions
continue to eat away at them and the pain and shame go on and on.
Some rapists and paedophiles may believe that they are being seduced and
see themselves as victims. Men are sexually aroused to a great degree by
what they see, just as I am mesmerized by the spectrum of a diamond. The
difference is in knowing that wanting something does not give anyone the
right to steal it. Rape and incest are thefts. Theft is not about seduction or
provocation.
Young girls, in particular, can be mesmerising. They are sexy, beautiful,
flirtatious and vivacious and they can also represent joy, excitement and
innocence. Anyone with eyes can be enchanted by a pretty young girl. They
are fascinating creatures and very alluring and they have every right to be.
They are diamonds and by their very nature they are precious and authentic
and have every right to be whom and what they are. No one has the right to
take that away or change or damage it.
They look like ice radiating rainbows. That dancing spectrum of colour
makes me think of magical things. Even though diamonds are flawed they are
still considered the most precious of all stones and the most valuable. When
you consider the beauty, the uniqueness and the value of diamonds it seems
appropriate that they would be used as symbols of love.
A burglar on the other hand sees none of that when he is robbing a jewellery
shop. A burglar’s perception of diamonds is that they are valuable and easy
to take. A burglar is only concerned with getting what he wants and getting
away with it.
My question is this: If a jewellery shop is robbed who is ‘The Bad Guy?’
The shop owner? Should he have predicted the robbery?
The diamond? Should a diamond dim its lights and de-value itself as a
protection mechanism?
The burglar? Does a burglar know that he has no right to steal the diamonds?
It may seem obvious that the burglar is the bad guy. Of course he knew what
he was doing. He had weighed the benefits of his crime against the risks, it is
only his decision that carries any responsibility.
The shop owner may have regrets about his failure to take stronger measures
to protect his valuable diamonds. However, the robbery is not the shop
owner’s fault and his regrets are pointless. The shop owner could have
protected the diamond by locking it up and never letting anyone know it
existed.
It is totally ridiculous to blame the diamond for the robbery. A diamond must
shine and a diamond has every right to be beautiful and valuable. The
diamond might as well have turned itself back into coal.
I am using this analogy and these questions as a comparison to issues of
incest and rape.
The single most devastating aspect of rape or incest is that the victims will
often blame themselves or wonder if they were in someway responsible.
Victims are often asked whether they encouraged their assailant. Did they
have proper security and locks in their home? Did they dress provocatively?
Did they say or do anything to suggest that they wanted sex? Were they
flirting or leading him on? Did they say ‘No’ or scream or fight back?
These questions spin around and around in the minds of the victims and
sometimes these questions continue for a lifetime. Consciously and logically
the victims know that they were in no way responsible, but the questions
continue to eat away at them and the pain and shame go on and on.
Some rapists and paedophiles may believe that they are being seduced and
see themselves as victims. Men are sexually aroused to a great degree by
what they see, just as I am mesmerized by the spectrum of a diamond. The
difference is in knowing that wanting something does not give anyone the
right to steal it. Rape and incest are thefts. Theft is not about seduction or
provocation.
Young girls, in particular, can be mesmerising. They are sexy, beautiful,
flirtatious and vivacious and they can also represent joy, excitement and
innocence. Anyone with eyes can be enchanted by a pretty young girl. They
are fascinating creatures and very alluring and they have every right to be.
They are diamonds and by their very nature they are precious and authentic
and have every right to be whom and what they are. No one has the right to
take that away or change or damage it.
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Sonya Green and refer to www.reinventingmyself.com
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