I try not to have or hold these judgments. I must admit that I do react
quite often from a place of ego, insecurity and fear. I am also guilty of
dividing my world into me and them, our side vs. their side. We are right
and they are wrong. It’s always about us and The Others. Actually, it’s
really always about me if I were ever brave enough to say it out right.
Every judgment I make will somehow have me as the center of the
Wars, famine, environmental issues, trade, over-population, violence,
greed, racism, poverty, terrorism and substance abuse, are all caused by
The Others. The Others need to fix it. BECAUSE IT IS HURTING ME!
You are offended and angry and feel helpless. You want to express your
rage and offer your solutions to me, but I cannot and will not enter your
arena. I watch you silently and your rage smashes itself around the room
and bounces off the furniture. “Something has to be done,” you keep
repeating, “Someone has to do something.” I am saying nothing,
because I am feeling everything. You are searching my vacant face and
you want to slap what you interpret as my indifference.
I see it in your eyes – you are wondering if perhaps I am one of Them.
I do hear what you say. I can agree or disagree. However, neither will
make any difference to anything at all. I have already concluded that all
of us are The Others. They think that we are The Others! I step back and
watch you and feel you. You are Moses standing at the top of the world
holding up your Commandments.
I watch you torture yourself. I see that your face has now been
permanently etched by your disappointments. Your body has been
traumatized and poisoned by your anger. All of your words and
knowledge and wisdom and rightness are rising like the bubbles in a
glass which you gulp back and swallow. Is self-medication, on the way to
destruction, the only real solution you have to offer?
I see the shadows fall around you; knowing that very soon you will be
seduced by despair. You will enter the abyss to once again test your
sanity and resilience. If you awake in the morning, you win, if you do not,
you have already eulogized your response, “Who, gives a shit?”
I have never had an original thought. I try to pay attention to my thoughts
and I often interrogate them. I have never come close to mastering them
and I am certain that I never will. But, these days I am not so obsessively
possessive or protective of them either. I concede that much of my
thinking could be flawed and fractured or running on auto-pilot.
Emotionally, I am being steered by a megalomaniac!
And yet, like you, I still convince myself that I am capable of changing the
world by finding its faults and criticizing and blaming The Others. But, it
has proved to be nothing more than a diversion. My truth, for me at this
time, does not come from thinking or emoting.
My head and my voice might seem to you to be free or vacant of words,
but don’t accuse me of not caring or knowing or understanding - I am
simply using a different language right now.
I tried to speak to you about love and compassion or kindness before
you dismissed me. Oh, you were disgusted at my naïve and wishy-washy
argument that love could fix anything. Love to you is a controlling,
diminishing bondage which makes women needy and drains the life-force
and fluids right out of your body.
Now, this of course takes me back to my discussion about thoughts as
implants and points of conception. How can you understand love, if love,
at the point of conception was interpreted as control or betrayal? How
can any act of love after that implant be anything other than a
reinforcement of control or betrayal?
So, before you scoff at me and my ideas about love as a healing force,
let’s first unveil your perceptions of what love is. What exactly is your true
belief about the nature of love? Let’s compare my dahlias and spiders
with your fear of love.
Love has abandoned and isolated you. You have been blackmailed and
held hostage in the name of love. You have been whipped into
submission, possessed and dismantled by experiences calling
themselves love. You have cried out in the night for love to find you and
then hidden or ran away when it answered.
You say that you do not know what love is. You don’t know how to love.
You are not sure if you have ever been loved. And yet, you wonder out
aloud if love could last for ever. You keep your mind and body busy and
you try to keep angry and cynical, because deep down you know that if
you relax you will long for love again.
Isn’t it really love that has you longing for a better world?
Oh, and I am not talking about romantic love here. Let’s not confuse love
with sex and relationships with rules and penalties. Can we take it back to
the Creators Definition of Love?
My argument, had I been allowed to express it, was that over-population
was not a matter of genocide. You can’t kill off The Others unless you
are prepared to have yourself, your family and your own in the line up.
When we view ourselves as separate, different, superior or more
valuable than others, then we create isolation. When we disconnect from
each other we disconnect from life. It’s the isolation – the disconnection –
the loneliness and the resultant fear which creates and maintains the
greed and hatred. I think that we did agree that most of the pain and
suffering, poverty and violence, crime and destruction were about greed
Greed and hatred are just other names for fear. Fear, of course, is the
direct opposite of love.
Right now, I must admit that I still pollute and poison my own body. On
occasion, I have waged war on my friends and loved ones. I do not
always conserve my physical, emotional or mental energy and quite
frankly, I have wasted a staggering amount of my vital energy on useless
and destructive thoughts and feelings. I can be a violent force within my
own right and I acknowledge that I sometimes turn my rage back on
myself. In short, I have not perfected myself and I am not qualified to
judge you or The Others.
I don’t know how to change the world. I do know that being afraid of it
renders me incompetent and impotent. I don’t know how to change or
control you. I don’t think I have even scratched the surface of
understanding my own thoughts or emotions or reactions, so I can’t say
that I know my own truth. I have not yet mastered myself.
For me right now, the best I can do is turn my world into a microcosm. If I
can get myself out of the way and surrender my senses, and pay
attention to all of the beauty around me, in this tiny little point of time,
then perhaps I could increase my awareness of that beauty, and with
practice, I might be able to extend the amount of time and attention I
spend in gratitude.
If I can start with this gratitude, perhaps I could evolve enough to love
myself. If I could love myself with attention and consistency, then surely I
could love outwards to include you. If you could trust yourself enough to
receive that, then a healing might begin within you. Isn’t it also possible
that we could love The Others?
Perhaps you think that this is a superficial or an unrealistic expectation. I
really believe that I could generate, receive and recycle enough love to
expand it on a Universal level.
Your perception of the world’s problems are probably shared with and
affirmed by most people. Your intellectual arguments and opinions are
well thought out and you might be correct. But what is the point of being
right if nothing changes for the better? Tell me what you are doing right
now that is having a positive influence and I will help you and become a
part of your vision. But, if you only want me to join you in your despair,
then I will not debate it with you, I will simply close down.
Getting drunk, living in fear, being angry, overwhelmed, stressed, critical
and cynical are all self-destructive at best, but overall I have to ask you:
If these are the tools you use to operate your own life, then what are you
really offering on a world scale?
If you pollute your own body, how can you be outraged at environmental
issues? Are you capable of keeping your own bedroom tidy?
If you are violent and self-destructive with yourself, does that make you
some kind of terrorist?
If The Others are causing you so much pain, then how can you condemn
them, when the pain you inflict upon yourself is so much greater?
Is this state of being giving you the life you want to live?
If the world did change tomorrow and if it were everything that you
wanted it to be, would you then be capable of enjoying it, would you be at
peace within yourself?
I suspect not. Wouldn’t you find a way to sabotage it? Or worry so much
about losing it that you wouldn’t allow yourself to have it?
You are a complete Universe within your own right, with control and
authority over its perfection. Why not work from here?
Copyright Sonya Green 2008
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|Perception and Judgement
Thoughts emotions and strong opinions.
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