Loss of love feels like the loss of the soul.
With great determination and commitment, we endeavour to block our
thoughts and physically remove ourselves from our lover. We might burn
photos and pursue new relationships. In practical terms, we do all that we
can to control our physical, emotional and intellectual attachment, but the
hardest ties to cut are the energy cords that connect us. An energy-cord
may be a hard concept to accept, it doesn’t really matter if you accept the
term or the concept at all. What you will relate to, is the feelings or effect
of an energy-cord. It’s like the umbilical cord which connects a mother and
When we are very close, both sexually and emotionally with someone, our
energies are exchanged. We think the act of sex is as close as we can get
to another person, but we may not have ever considered that sex and
love are two very powerful energies.
In the initial ‘in love’ stage, you may recall thinking something along the
lines of “He lights me up like a Christmas tree”. You may remember the
electricity between you, or a slight trembling whenever he was near you.
Being in love, produces a sense of lightness, a luminescence or radiance.
When someone is in love, you can see a physical difference in how they
look; brighter eyes and glowing skin. Often they look many years younger,
walk taller and appear energized. This energetic connection is undeniable
when expressed sexually. You feel as if you are breathing your lover into
yourself. Every cell in your body feels more alive and sex seems to be less
about body parts and more about the exchange of some mystical or
spiritual essence. In trying to get through heartbreak, we dismiss, deny or
trivialize those feelings.
When we accept that a relationship is over, we use a great deal of mental
determination to shut ourselves off from our feelings. The hardest part,
and the least recognized part, is in cutting or re-calling those energies
which still connect us. The most apparent cord is that of telepathy. Even if
you deny that telepathy exists, you will still experience it: talking to your ex
in your head, feeling pulled into a silent conversation, an eerie stretching
of yourself into thoughts that are not quite formed or defined. Some
people find themselves becoming sexually aroused with no real reason or
stimulation. Dreams and images play out as your lover’s face drifts past.
Cords are like energetic anchors, which hold you together. Sexually, a
cord can have your body craving and aching for your ex, even though you
may no longer have no emotional desire at all. A heart cord may hold you
deeply connected by love, even though you hate him or what he has
done. No wonder people feel that they will go insane; it’s like an electrical
short circuit. The mind is filled with thoughts of hate, revenge and disgust,
but the heart and body call out in the night.
Some people may be very aware of it and others may just have a sense of
it, but it is like your soul leaves you and goes in search of your lover.
Heartbreak takes our lives hostage; we find it hard to sleep, we can’t eat
or we over eat and we become physically exhausted and emotionally
drained. Mentally, we become obsessive and irrational. Our behaviour can
be erratic and dangerous. In extreme cases, we may want to kill or die,
and in fact, many people have died because of a broken heart.
Loving someone requires exposing our most sensitive and vulnerable
selves. We allow ourselves to give the best of ourselves – the fragile,
secret, private parts of ourselves. We expose and offer the most valuable
part of ourselves. To have this rejected is to have ourselves deemed
unworthy and unlovable. Often, we convince ourselves that the pain of
heartbreak is about the loss of our lover, but the reality is that we are in
pain because someone declared that, “Our love is not valuable”. At a core
level we are love, and our ability to love and be loved is who and what we
really are. To be dismissed on this level is interpreted as, “I am nothing, I
do not exist and most painfully, I am not worthy of love”.
We may not make this connection right away; we may not want to look at it
at all. If it comes down to this, then there is one glaring reality, and that is
that we must believe this is true. Could it be that it is not our lover’s
rejection of us that destroys us, but our own belief that we are unlovable –
unworthy – nothing?
At first, we may only focus on our partner’s behaviour and feel victimized
by a betrayal or lies. We may go through many stages like anger,
revenge, guilt, violence, depression or jealousy. We might feel
unattractive, sexually inadequate, boring or stupid. For many people, it
comes down to insisting that the lover must come back. If he comes back,
everything can be reversed, it can be a big mistake and you can be put
back together again.
If we peel away the layers and keep asking ourselves where the pain is
coming from, we find that it is not the opinion of another person that
causes the pain, it is within our acceptance of the opinion.
People have been coming and going throughout your life. You have
probably been in love before and you have probably been hurt by love
before. People leave, you leave, and sometimes it goes smoothly and
easily and sometimes it’s painful or heartbreaking. Love comes in many
ways and many degrees; it can subside and fade away or it can end
abruptly and traumatically. People may have loved you more than you
loved them, and you may have even been loved by someone whom you
didn’t even like very much.
I don’t know why it is that we can’t comprehend that:
‘Love is not gathered - it is self generated.’
People do not give you love and they do not take love away from you. You
choose the degree of flow between yourself and another. Someone else’s
love will mean nothing to you unless you choose to accept it. Love is
inspired to radiate from you, you are the source of that love, it is in infinite
supply and its circulation is governed by your choice to give or receive.
The other great misunderstanding is the belief in a “One and only”. This is
a man- made concept, not a natural law. Love is a natural state of being. If
we peel away conditioning and fears and a lifetime of accumulated
emotional baggage, then we would be operating more freely from a place
of love most of the time. The idea that love is only real or valid when it is a
partnership relationship is very, very limited and downright damaging. We
become tunnel visioned and grossly restricted in a belief that there is only
one person or one love available to us. Not only do we expect all of our
love to come from only the one person, but we also expect that they must
love us exclusively and forever.
We change, they change and life changes, but we still insist that love will
never change. We insist on an impossible promise and self-destruct when
the promise is broken. When friends move on we accept it, because we
did not have unrealistic expectations to begin with. Our children grow up
and move on and we encourage it. We don’t take it as a betrayal nor do
we interpret it as rejection of ourselves.
Divorce or separation is devastating for sure. If it is initiated by a cruel act
then it’s natural to feel a great range of negative emotions. If it comes
suddenly or unexpectedly, then it will be a shock and it will take time to
come to terms with it and work through it. It is very confusing and difficult
to accept when you are still there, still in love and still committed, but they
Your life may be impacted right across the board. You will grieve, and all
of your emotions are valid and you will need time to work through them.
You will need to do whatever you need to do to get through it. You will
grieve and you will cry, you may be scared and angry, and you will
probably go through many months of extreme emotional ranges. It will
level out. It will become manageable. At some point it will just be a sad
melancholy that floats past on occasion.
Sometimes though, it lasts forever. If you can’t let go or you won’t let go, it
can overtake your life and leave you cold and bitter- it can destroy you.
No one does this to you - this is a choice. It is a decision to live a tragic life
based on your inability to acknowledge your own beauty and value. The
irony here, of course, is that your rage is still directed at your partner for
treating you the way you now continue to treat yourself.
One person’s ability or inability to love you does not make you any
more or any less than you are.
Your value as a lovable and worthwhile person is not determined by the
opinion of only one other person. Your supply of love, your ability to love,
is not in the control of another person. And your love was never meant to
be restricted, to be exchanged with only one other person.
Overcoming heartbreak will require reclaiming your energy. As tempting
as revenge is and as comforting as hate may appear, they both keep your
energy attached to someone else. You may need to begin by reclaiming
your physical energy; eat well, breathe and move. If you are physically
exhausted, your mind and emotions are harder to control. The mind, body
and spirit are all connected. One will rob the other if one is energy
Only love can replenish love. Even if you feel you are faking it at first, it is
most important to get back your flow. Be, loving with yourself. Treat
yourself the way he should have treated you. Treat yourself the way you
wanted to treat him.
Acknowledge the love you share with family and friends, and allow that to
expand. Try and stretch loving moments and experiences – take
compliments and kindnesses, imbibe beauty and extend pleasure. Re-call
your energy and bring it back into yourself. Love the lovable and love the
If you really do believe there is only one love and you are capable
of loving that one person forever – then make that one person -
Copyright Sonya Green
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