Healing Meditation – An Inside View ...cont
I was mentally scanning my body and it was a mass of vibrating, pulsating,
free moving atoms. The inside of my body looked like the galaxy when
viewed from a powerful telescope on a clear night. I noticed everything
moving freely and lightly, but then became aware that around my left knee
there was a sluggishness and darkness. I wanted to direct light into the
knee area but found that I could not will my energy there. The harder I tried
to focus on my knee the stronger my heart reacted. I tried again and once
more my heart responded by drawing my attention back into the heart area.

I asked my mind to explain what this was about and I sensed/heard, “All
healing is initiated from the heart”. It was further explained that all disease
or dis-ease originates in the heart. All disease is made up of physical,
emotional, psychological and spiritual influences. My mind’s voice stated
that the pain in my knee was a physical manifestation of the original pain in
my heart.

I was intrigued and wanted to know what this ‘original template’ of dis-ease
was. Images of past events appeared and changed like movie clips. I
watched peacefully and in a detached way as visions of many times during
my life, I had been left feeling unsupported, insecure and unprotected. I
didn’t quite see the connection so I was then shown images of myself
dressed in some kind of armour. I was holding a long and heavy sword
looking around vigilantly in a defensive and prepared way. There was a
steel chest plate covering my chest and back.

My interpretation of these images is that on a deep level within me I felt
unprotected and unsupported.

As I contemplated my life, it became crystal clear to me that I saw myself as
someone who needed to be totally self-reliant. I was unwilling or unable to
ask for or accept help from others; perhaps I truly believed that there was
no help available. I saw my rebelliousness against authority and my
suspicion of other people’s personal agendas. I felt my deep
disappointment in people who had taken from me in an underhanded way. I
saw myself as small, scared and vulnerable in a world of threatening
intentions.

I also saw movie clips of myself as a strong, independent, capable and
clever person. I have a huge determination to fight fiercely for freedom,
justice, independence and truth.

I asked again how this played into the pain in my knee.

The answer came that, “The pain in the knee is the physical manifestation
of arthritis.” The arthritis is the physical outcome of a deep belief in being
unsupported and alone. It’s about security – security on the deepest level
of self. A belief that life itself is an unsafe place. I seem to have a deep
belief that self-preservation and protection is my primary objective in life.

From this came an insight into other areas of distress in my life. I saw the
same connection to many years of suffering deep fatigue and a lifetime
struggle with maintaining energy and money.

So, here it was, “Arthritis, fatigue and financial lack were all physical
manifestations of my belief that I am under threat”. It is about fear,
abandonment, insecurity and the constant need to keep myself protected
and supported.

This was hard for me to accept. My immediate impulse was to deny it. My
conscious and rational beliefs about myself did not want to entertain the
idea that I was insecure. I am bold and brave and I will fight you on the
street. My words can be like poison arrows and I will not cry – ever. I ask for
nothing and I always give more than I take. You can rip my heart out and I
will look you in the eye and spit on you. So, how can the very core of me be
working from a place of insecurity?

I am one of the coolest, calmest, most practical and accepting people I
know. I rarely get stressed, I am hardly ever depressed and I laugh a lot.

My attention was then directed to my adrenal glands. I watched as tiny little
drops of adrenaline seeped slowly and consistently from them like a leaky
tap. Each drop merged into the bloodstream and travelled throughout my
body. Like acid burning holes and making tracks within me. I see the drops
splashing up against my nervous system and it looks like violin strings
being pulled taunt and then released. I see the acid drops sliding over my
joints and leaving pitted marks on my bones and cartilage. I see my vitality
rising and falling, but gradually, rising less as it becomes thicker, heavier
and denser.

I watch as my sluggish energy rises into my forehead. I see my third eye
open and alert. It watches vigilantly, looking behind and ahead, darting
back and forth and to the sides - anticipating danger.

I see a counter, like a mental abacus. I tally debts here; always counting,
always juggling finances, borrowing here and paying back there. I am
balancing books and marking calendars. I see myself as a laboratory
mouse hitting a lever to free up a pellet but the jar is never full enough. I am
like The Count on Sesame Street, always counting and the outcome always
falling short. Silently and incessantly I resort to wishing, willing and
pleading; like a gambler at the racetrack whose last chance is on number
three. I ponder asking for help, just a little rescue, but of course I never
would. Is that shame I see, anxiety, pride or embarrassment? Could it be
that I am unsupported? Is my survival under threat or am I in a constant
state of subliminal stress?

Stress produces adrenaline which seeps down into my body. I am
exhausted and my joints are eroding. Stress becomes fatigue and arthritis
like links in a chain that makes its way back into my heart. My heart is
holding onto the erroneous belief that I am alone, a warrior without support.

I resist, I don’t want to believe this, I don’t want to deal with this and I don’t
even know if this is fixable. I think to myself, that the only true weapon I
have is my strength. I need to be strong, capable, independent, worldly and
wise. This is my view of myself - these are my survival tools. I can’t accept
that they may not be real. I can’t accept that deep down I might be afraid
and alone. If it is denial, then I want that denial held in place as the only
safe place left might well be that place of denial.

I relax and return my awareness to my heart. I tune back in to the
microscope and kaleidoscope and become peaceful. I watch the colours
and patterns and energy waves moving gently and refreshingly through me
again.

I decide to lift the healing energy up into my throat. The energy appears to
be blocked between my heart and throat. I experience a strong blockage
within the vertebra of my spine. I notice a thick, white, plastic looking
substance blocking the movement of energy. Two beams of light rise in a
vee shape into the back of my ears. There is a fluid movement as the light
travels back and forth, clearing, unblocking and lighting a passage from my
spine to my ears and across the back of the lower part of my brain. I sense
a pleasant aching across my shoulders and back and know that the
muscles in this area are relaxing more deeply and tension is being released.

I feel the energy surge upward and know that this part of my body has now
been released of all tension. The energy now makes its way into my throat.
I sense that my throat has been eagerly waiting for this and the muscles
instantly take up the energy and relax. There is a softness and a stretching
feeling and it’s a little hard to swallow for a moment. There is so much
movement within my throat that I feel slightly gagged. I swallow and cough
and the movement becomes stronger and my throat feels clearer.

There is a dark spot in the centre of my throat and I ask what this is. The
voice inside my mind answers, “This is the crying-room”. I immediately know
what this means. I haven’t cried in a long, long time. My throat is my cut off
point. I developed this skill as a young child; in fact, I still remember the day
that I made a solemn vow to myself. The vow was that if anyone hurt me, I
would not allow them the satisfaction of seeing their effect on me. If I was
hurt, verbally abused, humiliated or disappointed in any way, I would clench
my teeth, set my jaw, swallow hard and close my throat so that a sob could
not escape. I could set my expression into a poker face and hold my body
straight. I could look you in the eye without any expression at all. Inside, I
would cry, inside I felt like I was dying, but my throat would be clamped shut.
Sometimes this was extremely hard to do and very painful. I felt like I was
strangling myself, but I would rather choke than give anyone the
satisfaction of seeing me cry.

Very rarely did I fail at this, but I do remember a few times when a slight
sound did escape involuntarily or my body would let me down by displaying
a slight tremble. I would immediately correct it, but I would be angry with
myself, embarrassed and disappointed. I felt that I had somehow betrayed
myself. Yes, the crying-room, how well I knew what that meant.

As light poured into the darkness of the crying room, I felt my throat and
neck muscles relax. I can’t remember a time when my throat was completely
relaxed and this felt liberating. I saw words and music rise out from my neck
and float away. I sensed my thyroid rebalanced and wondered again about
my relationship with fatigue. Could the tension in my throat have been
affecting my thyroid function and further interfering with my vitality? I wanted
to explore this question further, but my attention was drawn to the words
rising from my throat.

“Speak your truth,” I saw written across my neck. “I do,” I heard myself
reply. God only knows the trouble I have encountered by speaking my truth.
I have been accused of being indiscreet, insensitive, confrontational,
argumentative, self-opinionated and naïve. More than once I have been
advised to, ‘Think before you speak,” and many times it has been
suggested that I should, “Get my foot out of my mouth”.

“No!” responded the voice, “Speaking your truth is about respecting and
honouring yourself. It’s about releasing an insight that may seem trivial or
insignificant to you, but it might just be a powerful message to the listener. It’
s about integrity, honesty, wisdom, prophesy and clarity. It’s about you
being the messenger and the message may be medicine. If it’s in your heart
to say it, then you must say it. It is not for you to translate or interpret.
Sometimes you will simply be the voice, which delivers a higher meaning.
Your words can also be like mirrors. People will know instantly if you are of
integrity. The listener will trust you enough to be able to look at and see
themselves”.

“By speaking your truth, you allow others to know who you are and what
motivates your thoughts, feelings, actions and interpretations. They will find
trust in you and respond by giving you their truth. Allow others to know you
by your integrity for this is your currency. When people know what currency
you are dealing in, then they know that you are the real deal”.

“Speaking your truth is also about being honest with yourself. To thine own
self - be true.”

“We are all teachers, healers, prophets and messengers. Words of truth to
yourself and others bring true freedom.”

I find myself back in a space of serenity and silence and feel like I have just
returned from the ‘The Great Halls of wisdom’. I feel changed, transformed,
mildly confused and vaguely aware that it will take time to fully understand
and work with this experience.

I wonder where all of this will lead. How will I release old beliefs and
actualize these insights.

I feel light, peaceful, excited, free, alive and vibrant. I know that something
huge and heavy has been lifted. I have been transformed, but into what
and how? Am I so different now that my life will be different too? Can I
maintain this state and if so how? Will I wake up and be permanently
healed, secure, wiser or better?

Softly, and seemingly from a long way away, I hear a voice call out the
word, “Yes!”

I find myself tuning back into the energy waves within me and my body once
again becomes awash with light. There is a deep, deep sense of well-being
flowing though me and around me. I drift lazily and contentedly back into full
consciousness.

Copyright Sonya Green
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