Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
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There is always a little truth behind the joke, fear or sadness behind the
anger and another conversation between the words. Perhaps when we
become supportive listeners instead of opinionated speakers we might
hear what is really being said.

Recently a friend was grieving the loss of her husband and as she was
speaking about all of the things she had to deal with and the heartache
she was going through. I noticed a sharp fast change in her voice.
Suddenly and angrily she said. “And if I have to sit through just one more
person telling me about their grief I will scream.”

The poor woman had spent the week answering phone calls and having
scores of people visiting, all with the intention of consoling her. I do
understand that we try to empathise and often feel awkward finding the
right words to say to people, so it is very easy to relate a similar story as
a way of expressing compassion, but looking at it from her experience I
see how this could be offensive and overwhelming.

Apart from the awkwardness of finding the right words to offer comfort I
think the problem is that we just don’t know how to listen. Talking makes
us feel that we are doing something; offering something.

My friend summed it up by saying “Right now this is about me, this is
happening to me, I need support and I can’t use my emotional or mental
energy to give to someone else. Talking about your grief while I am
grieving is robbing me of my time to heal and adding to my distress.”

This reminded me of a story I heard some years ago: A guy spends most
Friday nights having a few drinks with his friends and workmates, and
has done so for many years. One Friday night he casually mentions to
his friends that his wife has left him and taken the kids with her. After
some uncomfortable shifting the mates say, “Oh, that’s no good
mate…Let me buy you a beer.” The conversation then returns to work
and sport.

The following Friday night everyone at the bar was stunned to learn that
he had gone home the previous week and killed himself. No one could
believe it and most of them said something along the lines of, “If only we
knew…”

In most emotionally charged conversations we understate our true
feelings, sometimes we feel vulnerable and sometimes we are unsure of
the response, so we tend to tease out a subject. Often a short matter of
fact statement is made and either the listener picks up that there is more
to the comment and encourages in a supportive way or as quite often
happens, people are not really listening and we close down.

Just a few days ago, a friend told me about another friend of ours who he
had visited a year ago. He said that our friend had just had major surgery
and chemo for cancer. He also mentioned that our friend had said a few
times something about doctors appointments but he hadn’t asked
questions and our friend did not elaborate. He seemed to have
connected the dots…and wondered why he hadn’t thought to ask.

Then there are the people like my ex-friend who could not shut up long
enough to let me finish my stories at all. We had many tense
conversations about how irritating this was. No matter how I tried to
address this, she would always say that she knew where I was going with
it and didn’t need me to finish. For a while we put up with it by having a
secret rolling of our eyes and a sigh of, ‘Oh lets talk about you…again’.  
Between ourselves we began referring to her as me-me -me. It’s not the
right way and somewhat bitchy but that’s how it goes.  

Apart from the cutting off and talking over, she also made every
conversation about herself and completely disregarded anyone else’s.
We made jokes about her along the lines of “Well, enough about you let’
s talk about ME!”

Me: I just lost my job, I have a terminal disease and my husband ran off
with my best friend
She: Yikes! I just tore my fingernail
Needless to say, we have parted company.

A psyche friend of mine once said that the art to psychology is not to
lead or give advice but to listen. He said he imagines a wise little bird on
his shoulder and every time a client stops speaking the little bird
whispers, “Ask her what else”.

If you wish to really know a person or if you want the greater truth it is
worth remembering that it rarely comes in the initial thread. The thread
needs to be unravelled. There are few gifts in friendship as worthy as the
supportive ear and the leading question.

I see you. I hear you. I feel you

Copyright 2011 Sonya Green
www.reinventingmyself.com
Reinventing Myself - Sonya Green

I see you. I hear You. I feel you.

Perhaps when we become supportive listeners instead of
opinionated speakers we might hear what is really being said
~ Sonya Green

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