Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
Reinventing myself personal growth program
Guided Meditation C.D.s
Now available in Paperback
Creative Visualization guided meditation techniques
How to Meditate, what is a healing meditation like
Weight Loss and  Emotional eating
Fear of abandonment
Stress reduction
Vital Energy oxygen therapy and breathing
Soul Mates and self love
arthritis chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia
Self Esteem
heartbreak
White Light and healing energies
Spitituality without religeon
Happiness
what is love
Sex - What the women are saying now.
psychic Cords
Money Prosperity Wealth
Parents. Who are these aliens?
Incest
Living in the shadows
Affirmations and Mind Power
Words as Medicine
Absent Healing and Chakra Balance
Better Questions Better Solutions
Are we thinking our own thoughts?
Beauty Myth
bipolar
Inspirational quotes
Im right you're wrong
Letter to My son
Songs to make your heart sing
Contact Sonya Green
Sonya Green new articles
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It’s really difficult to not think about dying when you are told you have
cancer. On a logical level, I know that much of this is because cancer has
such a huge social awareness; as a result of so much media coverage.

Cancer is common these days, and we all know people who have died
from it. We also know that many people die in car accidents. Somehow, it
is lodged within the psyche that having cancer kills us, and yet, we
believe that it is unlikely that we will die in a car accident. There are
countless things which can kill us but none of them taunt us the way that
cancer does.

I believe that the best way to get what you want in life is to focus on the
ideal outcome. Any kind of goal setting requires focused attention,
imagination, determination, tenacity and a clear mental picture of having
or attaining what you want. Athletes do not dwell on losing, entrepreneurs
don’t sit and wait for others to bring them opportunities, artists do not
paint in the dark and winners do not visualize failing. If you want
something in life you must, ‘keep your eye on the ball’. In this case, it is
right down to,
“If you want life – keep your focus on living.” Fearing
death is much the same as planning to die – It’s voodoo!

The thought of dying is quite terrifying when you find yourself in a real
possibility of doing so. Most of us have had fleeting thoughts about our
own death, but we manage to convince ourselves that it will be at a much
later date, and we will probably die peacefully in our sleep - of old age.
We all secretly hope that we will be completely oblivious to our own death.

Having cancer snaps us into a realization that death might be very soon
and it might also be a painful, degrading and torturous process. It’s
overwhelming; unfair, too soon, surreal and tragic. We are afraid, angry,
sad, guilty, resentful, confused and devastated. At first we don’t believe
it, and yet we anticipate it and even prepare for it. We tell ourselves it
can't possibly be true, and yet we imagine that it is happening.

My initial reaction was that I would not allow myself to think about
anything other than the lump. I would have it removed and that would be
that. I didn’t want to buy into the idea of a disease, so I imagined it as
nothing more than having a cyst removed. Maintaining that idea was
harder than I expected, especially as I had so many appointments with
doctors, so many procedures, so much information, other people to
consider, as well as practical considerations. The realization that, “This is
life threatening,” slapped me into alertness. I was forced to face the
possibility that this could be the end of the game for me.

Death was no longer an obscure or hypothetical concept. Its long finger
pointed at me and beckoned me to follow. It was no longer a place
behind a veil, but a real face, with a real agenda, and a very personal
and intimate relationship with me. It is a date with destiny, not necessarily
set in concrete – pencilled in perhaps, but my name is on the list and,
cancer or not, I have had to do some thinking about my life and death.

Consciously, I want to live. I love my life and the people in it. I live a very
fortunate life and have much to be grateful for.

On deeper reflection, I wondered how much I desired a long life and what
was my purpose. Did I have any burning passion or desire for a long life?
Did I have any long term goals? I was a bit disappointed to find that I
didnt really; I realized that I was in a place of comfort and just happily
cruising along and doing my best to stay here.

I had always thought that my life was just going to get better and better. I
expected and actively pursued success, wealth, happiness, relationships,
travel and lots of fun. I looked forward to meeting my soul mate and
probably marrying him and having children. I wanted to own my own
business and my own home. I expected to have grandchildren and a
retirement home by the sea. I wanted to teach, inspire and heal – I
wanted to write a book. I expected to either live forever or to have a
choice to slip away effortlessly in my own time.

I realized that I still had desires but I was sad to see that I no longer had
any great passion for anything other than comfort and ease of existence.
Quite simply, I am happy where I am, with who I am and how I am. But,
this worries me now, because I see that this contentment might also be
seen as indifference. Am I excited by life or just biding my time here? It
seems to me that if I am going to fight death, then I had better have a
damn good reason to live!

Some people are afraid of death; I’m not, and that also worries me a bit.
How fiercely will I fight something if it does not frighten me? There are
many people who think that death is the end of their existence, whilst
others believe that they will be judged and allocated a place in heaven or
hell. Of course, there are also many other beliefs, but I had to think hard
about my own expectations. I needed to find out if I had any unconscious
desire to die. I needed to test how great my will to live was. It’s an easy
question to answer when you don’t
really think about it, but it does
become blurred when you dig a little deeper. I am not talking about the
physical discomfort of dying but the actual place or concept of death.

Having many years of meditation experience has probably influenced my
awareness of myself in a way that others might not understand. I feel that
I am comfortable in my physicality, but I am equally as at home in an
energetic awareness. I function very well within the language of intellect
and emotion but just as well within the language of intuition and/or
spiritual knowing. Meditation takes you away from a physical sense of the
self and holds you suspended in an observational way. It’s often
described as an altered state of consciousness but that’s hard for
someone to imagine, if they have not experienced it. It’s hard for anyone
to think of the body as anything other than solid structure even though
science teaches us that we are a mass of vibrating cells. We are energy
living within a sea of energy. In meditation we lose the sense of
denseness and experience the self as energetic. That awareness
merges into all energy; the way a drop merges into an ocean.

Many animals can hear sounds which humans can not. The human ear
cannot pick up the frequency of a dog whistle. The dog knows that the
sound exists and the human accepts it to be so (because he sees the
dog respond to it) even though he can’t hear it himself. It’s the same with
what we refer to as the sixth sense. Some people can interpret
information or knowingness from a greater range of frequencies. It’s not
magic or talent, it is just a matter of adjusting perception or in a way
listening to the silence within.

To me that is how I perceive death. Changing the vibration or frequency
and dispersing the density of cells. We can’t really see or measure sound
frequencies but we do know that they are all around us and probably
reach into infinity. I believe that on an energetic level we also exist into
eternity, even though our conscious awareness and our educations
restrict us by only relating to the dense, physical part of ourselves. We
are also trained to communicate with ourselves through intellect and
emotion. Our fear of death is intellectual programing but our true belief or
spiritual understanding of death could and probably is very different.
Personally, I believe that the soul longs to go home.

If it was possible to exhale and simply float away, knowing we would be
absorbed into a peaceful, blissful place, wouldn’t most of us leave right
now? Or even if we could die without physical or emotional pain, wouldn’t
we all consider closing down?

Some people make a decision to push through the fear and pain barrier
and initiate their own death. Society and religion frowns upon suicide and
family and friends are devastated by it. It’s really a matter of application
and degree, if we are really honest about it. I would suggest that most of
us are suiciding, by degree, a great deal of the time. We all have ways of
retreating, closing down or disappearing.

We all “step out of our bodies” very often. We all medicate our lives. We
can see it in drugs, alcohol, reckless behaviour, smoking, poor diet, rage,
depression, sex, sleep and countless other escape devises and
mechanisms.

Most of us have mastered the art of being away on an emotional or
mental level. Years speed by and we wonder where we or our lives have
been. ‘Living in our happy place!’ We are vacant or absent and our lives
are running on auto pilot. Most of us are living outside of ourselves most
of the time. We check in long enough to keep the motor running and
snap back if we are under threat or for the occasional good time. Most of
us treat our bodies like a slave or an encumbrance a lot of the time. If we
could all get very realistic and honest with ourselves, we would find that
we treat ourselves with disrespect, indifference and sometimes self-
loathing. (Are we unconsciously sending out a plea to be released?)

We talk about fighting cancer and focus on treatments. I believe that
there is no fight to win if we don’t have reasons to live. Treatments are
standard, but each one of us must explore our deeper desires at a
personal level. We need to be clear that we are willing to fight, and we
need to have a clear understanding of what it is that we are fighting for.

Cancer cells can be cut out, but sadness, despair, loneliness or
hopelessness can not. No matter how we treat the disease we must be
willing to live! I believe that the most important thing to do to is to get
back inside our bodies and ground ourselves. Be present, live as fully as
you can, and start behaving like you do in fact exist.

Cancer or any disease or illness comes as a giant wake up call.Cancer is
just a word - not a sentence; at least not a death sentence. It is a simple
sentence:
“Do you want to live or do you really want to die?”


Copyright Sonya Green July 3rd 2008
 www.reinventingmyself.com
Reinventing Myself - Sonya Green

Am I Ready or Willing to Die?
by Sonya Green

From the breast cancer diaries
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